Lucid Dreams and Saturn Skies The Life and Writing of Andrew Kincaid

Tag Archives: Monster Movies

Twenty Years Later, and Jurassic Park STILL Holds Up!

Jurassic_Park_posterMany of us saw Jurassic Park as kids. Myself, I saw it on VHS probably five or six times, and several more times on television. I was fascinated by dinosaurs (so, a pretty typical little boy in that way) and it was amazing to see them live and kicking on my TV screen. Unfortunately, I never got a chance to see it in the theaters when I was younger, and I don’t own a copy on DVD. Needless to say, it’s been years since I last watched it, probably ten or fifteen at least.

So, when I heard Jurassic Park was going back to the big screen in 3D, I got excited. Not about the 3D — I could take it or leave it, and I’ll personally be glad when the fad is over, mainly because theaters will no longer be able to tack on an extra $2 or so for a gimmick that makes little or no difference in the viewing experience. Yeah, Avatar looked pretty good in full 3D glory, but most  movies shot in 3D are pretty ‘meh’, if I may use the term.

…but I digress. Sort of. The fact is that the 3D treatment didn’t add much to Jurassic Park, in my opinion. But it also didn’t take anything away, which is what is really important. The movie looked as good today as it looked twenty years ago. It isn’t often you can say that about a film, especially with all the advances in visual technology over the last ten years or so. But Jurassic Park‘s unique mix of animatronics and CGI (yes, they had CGI in 1993) has stood the test of time. The dinosaurs, particularly the raptors, looked fluid and life-like. If anything, I found JP preferable to many modern movies, who rely too heavily on CGI effects in my humble opinion.

I almost feel like it’s silly to do a review of Jurassic Park, since it’s widely considered a classic. However, some folks were skeptical about it being in 3D, so I feel the urge to explain that it doesn’t really harm the movie at all. Except for a couple of moments where it is a little distracting, you barely notice. So, if you’re a fan of the movie, or have never seen it, go out and give it a watch on the big screen. You won’t regret it.

The Good, the Bad, and the Awesomely Bad

Proof that a B-movie isn't necessarily a bad movie.

Proof that a B-movie isn’t necessarily a bad movie.

Last night (I’m writing this on Sunday–yay for working ahead!) I watched a movie that was so indescribably bad that there are no words.  It was so tremendously awful, I’m pretty sure I felt reality warp in the face of its complete craptitude.  It is bad on a metaphysical level.  The movie was Birdemic: Shock and Terror, and it was awesome.

Now the love of really, really bad movies is a peculiar thing to people not initiated into the ranks.  So let me try to explain what exactly “Awesomely Bad” movies are and why I love them so much.  Now a lot of this is subjective of course–what I think is good or bad and what you think is good or bad differ widely according to taste.  But there are some generalizations you can make.  First, you have Good movies.  They’re generally well constructed, tell a coherent story, and provide some kind of meaning.  Lincoln, which came out a few months ago, is generally considered a “good” movie.  Then there are Bad movies, which are, well, bad.  Poorly constructed, nonsensical story, and generally leave you feeling like you wasted an hour and a half you’ll never get back.  Battlefield: Earth was generally panned for being a bad movie, by way of example.  (Note:  B-movies aren’t necessarily bad.  The designation more refers to the budget and talent involved than the quality of the movie itself.  That being said, oftentimes B-movies fall into the Bad or Awesomely Bad category).

Then you have the Awesomely Bad movie.  These movies are usually objectively bad.  They’re usually poorly constructed, made on little to no budget, and feature acting talent your local community theater wouldn’t even  hire to mop its floors.  Generally, they’re horror movies.  Something about the horror genre lends itself to producing spectacularly bad movies (probably because horror and comedy are kissing cousins).  But Awesomely Bad movies have a little something else that push them into an almost transcendental status, that warps the “good/bad continuum” rather like how a large object (or in this case a giant steaming pile of crap) warps the space/time continuum.

What is that little something?  It is hard to classify.  It goes well beyond goofy dialog, horrible acting, and terrible story telling.  It is something more than having a really goofy looking monster (although that helps).  It seems to me that what makes the difference between Bad and Awesomely Bad is the attitude of the director and the cast.  Awesomely Bad movies are done completely in earnest.  The directors have a story they want to tell, and a message they want to send.  They BELIEVE in what they are doing.  The problem is that they are just simply awful at it, and what they thought was amazing turns out to be just that, in an entirely different way than they intended.

Hopefully that all  makes some sort of sense.  It’s something that has to be experienced to be believed.  So go to Netflix (finding awful movies is so much easier now thanks to Netflix!) and load Troll 2 or Birdemic: Shock and Terror on your Instant Queue.  Invite friends over, and make an evening of it.  You can all sit in awe together of how tremendously bad, yet awesome a movie can be.

Repeat After Me–Chimps Are NOT Pets!

A chimpanzee at the Los Angeles Zoo

Imagine a creature that is four times stronger than a man, with four grasping hands and inch long fangs.  It’s covered in bristling fur, it hoots and hollers like an animal, and it is incredibly agile.  It’s smart too, almost as smart as a human.  As if that’s not bad enough, it’s incredibly temperamental–it will turn on you in an instant, with little or no warning, and can quite literally rip your face off.

You might think I am talking about a monster from one of those B-movies I like so much, but I am talking about a very real animal, one that shares 98% of its genes in common with us.  Its Latin name is Pan troglodytes, but you probably know it by its common name–the chimpanzee.

Now you might think I’m being  melodramatic, but I am not.  Yesterday in Las Vegas, a pair of chimps escaped from a private residence and put an entire neighborhood at risk.  One of the chimps was shot and the other tranquilized and returned to her cage.  Luckily, nobody was hurt.  With all of the people around–including a lot of kids–the situation could have ended very badly.  Other instances where chimps sprang loose from their cages ended with people being mutilated if not killed.

When chimps attack, it is brutal.  They go out of their way to incapacitate their victims, first going for hands and feet, then the face, and then the genitals.  Yes, chimps will not only rip your face off but they will neuter you as well.  They manage all of this with one inch fangs and thick, tough fingernails.

Chimps do that sort of thing to each other often in the wild.  They are a very aggressive species, and they will quite literally go to war with other troops of chimps over territory.  But those are wild chimps.  Believe it or not, “domestic” chimps are a lot more dangerous than their wild cousins. That is because wild chimps know how to be chimps, while domestic chimps raised by humans don’t.  You might think that’s a good thing, given chimps’ war-like ways, but it isn’t.  While chimps are violent in the wild, like most animals they will attempt to intimidate an enemy and make it give ground rather than fight.  From a biological standpoint that makes more sense, because fighting is risky business–you’re as likely to get injured as your foe.  So, wild chimps give threat displays that will warn other chimps of an impending attack and give them time to back off in an attempt to avoid a fight.

“Domestic” chimps, never having lived with other chimps, do not learn these threat displays.  Their attacks come completely without warning–they could go from playing one moment to chewing a hand to a stump the next.  Put short, chimpanzees are not cute, cuddly pets.  Not only are they wild animals, but they are our closest living relatives, and they deserve a healthy amount of respect.  They should not be kept caged by private amateurs, who often hold the delusion that they have some sort of special bond with these animals.  If chimps are going to be held in captivity, it should be by trained professionals for the purposes of conservation and education.  To do anything else is to needlessly risk human and chimp lives.

Chimps are not the only exotic animals being held this way, and they might not even be the most dangerous.  There are more tigers in the United States than live in the wild in India, and many of them are kept by private owners.  Many states have no laws regulating the ownership of exotic animals, and there are no federal laws on the books.  Think about that a moment.  There are more laws for dog owners than for people who want to buy a tiger or a chimp.  If that isn’t crazy, I don’t know what is!

A bengal tiger.  Native to India

This is a Bengal Tiger….also NOT a pet!

There are bigger problems than simple animal attacks, although those are terrible enough.  Exotic animals can bring contagious diseases with them, that local human and animal populations could not have resistances to.  For example, monkeys carry Herpes B, a strain of the herpes virus they can spread through bites and scratches that, in humans, can cause brain swelling and in rare cases death.  What’s more, some African monkeys carry Ebola Marburg.  Ebola Marburg is so far not able to cross the species barrier as far as I know, but it is a cousin to the infamous Ebola Zaire, a hemorrhagic fever that basically liquifies a person’s insides.  It has a mortality rate of 80-90%.  Not precisely something you want in the neighborhood.

Plus, exotic animals often become invasive species, crowding out native species in competition for similar resources and thus destroying the local ecosystems.  A great example of this is the veritable invasion of pythons and boa constrictors in Florida.  These species entered the US as pets, and they entered the wild when owners got rid of them.  They bred quickly, having no natural predators to keep their numbers in check, and now they’re spreading to other states, which have become more hospitable to their taste for warmer climates as global warming slowly ekes the temperatures up year after year.

The point is that we need to make a concerted effort to protect both human and animal lives, to pass better laws to curb the inflow of exotic animals into this country.  A few people’s selfishness and ignorance should not be allowed to put the larger community at risk.

Comic Book Science is Right for Once! (Sort of)–A Quasi Review of The Amazing Spider-Man

The Amazing Spider-Man theatrical posterAfter watching Prometheus, I couldn’t resist rambling about some of the scientific failings of the movie.  Since I enjoyed putting the “biology” part of my Bachelors of Science to use, I decided to do the same for The Amazing Spider-Man.

But before the science, it’s time for a mini-review.  The Amazing Spider-Man is a reboot of the Spider-Man trilogy, which ended on a weak note with Spider-Man 3.  Unlike the reboot of the Batman or James Bond series, Spider-Man wasn’t exactly gritty.  Certainly it was darker thematically than its predecessors, but not quite so dark as to qualify for the term “gritty”.  On a similar note, The Amazing Spider-Man didn’t bring anything new to the table in terms of plot either.  Minus the mention of Peter’s parents, the focus on cross-species genetics as the cause of Spidey’s, and the Lizard’s mutations (and that the Lizard is the antagonist rather than the Green Goblin), it doesn’t differ a ton from Tobey McGuire’s Spider-Man.  The differences are more superficial, rather than what you’d expect from an ground up reboot.  For a more thorough (and spoiler-free!) review, check out my friend Amanda Rudd’s post “They Finally Got It Right: A Review of the Amazing Spider-Man”.

That being said, I found this an entertaining movie and I am looking forward to future sequels.  What I especially thought was interesting was how cross-species genetics was cited as the cause for Spidey’s powers.  It certainly makes more sense that a bite from a genetically modified spider would result in profound mutations in its victim, rather than the bite of a radioactive spider from the original comics.  That doesn’t answer the question of exactly how those unique properties were transferred to Parker, but hey it’s a movie, right?

You might be surprised to learn that cross-species genetics is not merely the stuff of comic books, but it’s a very real and very vital part of modern biology and modern pharmaceuticals.  While we can’t make giant lizard men or man-spiders, we can make glow in the dark kittens.

On a more practical note, cross species genetics have been saving lives for decades now.  Known as recombinant DNA technology, these are a set of techniques that allow scientists to manipulate DNA, the code containing the recipe for all life.  DNA is a funny thing–it can make all of the weird and wonderful shapes we see in nature, but on a basic level it’s all the same thing.  My DNA is the same chemically speaking as yours, and both of ours are the same as a spiders.  What differs is the DNA sequence–it is the sequence that determines what goes where at what time, be it in a spider, lizard, or a human.

Heeere kitty, kitty, kitty! From Gawker.com

Since DNA is universal across all (Earth) life, and it’s only the sequence that matters in terms of what is expressed, it stands to reason you could mix DNA sequences from one species into the DNA of another and potentially get the foreign DNA expressed.  Really, that’s what they were talking about in a basic sense in The Amazing Spider-Man.  People have been doing just that sort of thing for decades now, although with less city destroying and more life saving results.

That’s twice now that I’ve said that s0-called cross-species genetics can save lives.  You might be wondering what I mean by that, since in the movie that was the whole rationale behind their research as well.  We haven’t progressed to the point where we can use these technologies to jab you with a needle and force your arm to grow back, but we can use recombinant DNA technology to produce a variety of life saving chemicals, most famously insulin.

It used to be that insulin was taken from animals like cows and pigs, but this wasn’t a very efficient means of harvesting the stuff in sufficient quantities.  In the 1970′s, using recombinant DNA technology, researchers were able to splice the gene for human insulin production into E. Coli bacteria (yes, that E. Coli…it’s a useful lab organism, what can I say?).  These new strains of bacteria happily did what bacteria do, all the while pumping out live-saving insulin for the diabetics of the world.  Similar techniques are used to make everything from Hepatitis B vaccines to blood clotting factors.

While recombinant DNA technology has saved thousands and thousands of lives over the years, there is a dark side.  Similar techniques can be used to produce genetically modified organisms (GMOs) which include those adorable kittens up there, but they’re more famous for their role in agriculture.  There is a lot of worry about GMO crops out there these days, that somehow they could be harmful to consumers.  I’m not certain about that, but their income on the environment when they begin to spread on their own is certainly a cause for concern.  The jury is still out.

What we can be certain of is that movie and comic book science have both gotten better over the years.  I don’t expect my movies to be scientifically accurate in any way shape or form, but it is always nice when it happens.  In this case, the writers took a very real and very beneficial technology and used it to drive the plot behind an entertaining piece of cinema.  You can’t go wrong with that :)

The Legend of Cropsey

The poster for The Burning, a horror movie featuring a blade wielding maniac named Cropsey

“A legend of terror is no longer a camp fire story anymore!”– tagline for The Burning, the only movie I’ve seen featuring a crazed killer named Cropsey.

Folks in the Northeast US who attended literally any camp in the past thirty or forty years will probably be familiar with the name Cropsey.  For the rest of us, there is a fascinating documentary on the subject on Netflix called, creatively enough, Cropsey that in large part inspired this post.  Outside of the Northeast, we might know Cropsey better as Jason Vorhees.  That is slightly overstating the case, but let me give you the bare bones version of the story, since there are a dizzying array of variations.

The core of the Cropsey legend involves a man named Cropsey who was a respected member of the local community who lived near the local sleep-away camp.  Campers tried to play a prank on Cropsey’s son that goes horribly wrong.  The prank left Cropsey terribly deformed and seriously pissed, not to mention insane.  As a result, Cropsey took to the woods, axe in hand, where he lay in wait for any unwary campers who happened to wander away from the relative safety of camp.

The parallels with the Friday the 13th franchise and nearly every slasher ever made are pretty clear.  They all involve a blade-happy maniac with a hate-on for campers/coeds/teenagers who break the rules, be they cultural rules (anyone who has premarital sex dies) or the camp rules (if you wander off you get axed).  The way to survive is clear–simply don’t break the rules, and you’ll be fine.

In that way, what started as a regional legend has become a part of pop culture at large, although Cropsey only shows up as a named character in one movie that I know of.  That movie is called The Burning, which is basically a Great Value version of the original Friday the 13th.  It is about a cruel camp caretaker named, you guessed it, Cropsey who is the victim of a prank that gets out of hand, leaving him deformed and very, very angry.  He gets his revenge years later on a group of campers that, oddly enough, contains characters played by Fisher Stevens and Jason Alexander (better known as George Costanza from Seinfield).  In any case, the movie is actually pretty good despite its slow start.  I don’t normally laugh at people getting hacked to bits (it seems in bad taste) but some of the stuff that happens when the bloodbath begins is pretty goofy and I couldn’t help myself.

Now that the legend of Cropsey has entered pop culture, it is much more difficult now to pin down whether or not there ever really was a man named Cropsey and whether he committed any crimes.  The answer is…it isn’t clear.  There was a man named Jasper Cropsey who lived in New York, but so far as I can tell he never committed any axe murders.  The documentary Cropsey frames its entire narrative around the crimes of Andre Rand, who was convicted of kidnapping and murdering several children in the 80′s on Staten Island.  While he certainly could not have been the man whose crimes originated the legend, given how recently he committed his crimes, he’s become part of the legend in that region of the country at least.

Like any number of urban legends, we probably will never know for certain where the legend of Cropsey originated.  These sorts of stories begin from seemingly nowhere and take on lives of their own.  Cropsey in particular has had a great deal of longevity, especially since his legend has inspired key parts of the modern slasher flick.  We might not know where Cropsey came from, but we can be certain that he’s here to stay.

The Curse of Bigfoot

Curse of Bigfoot is a 1978 movie about a group of high school students who unleash an inhuman monster from a crypt.

…seriously. You need to see this movie. I mean…come on! Look at the poster!

I sit here literally at a loss for words.  Last night I watched a movie so tremendously, horrifically, hilariously bad that they don’t make an -ly word strong enough to describe the mind-melting horrible awesomeness of it.  The moving I’m talking about is called Curse of Bigfoot, and it is a tour de force of B-movie horror at its finest.

A bit of background about how I came across this little gem.  My dad lent me a horror collection called Pure Terror, which contains fifty “classic” horror movies.  Such masterpieces as The Manster (panned as one of the worst movies ever made–I’ve yet to see it) and Track of the Moonbeast (which was victimized in a great episode of MST3K) are represented in the collection’s line up.   It sat on my TV stand for about three days before I finally decided to give it a look.  I saw Curse of Bigfoot on the back cover and my crappy movie sense started tingling.  Somehow, I knew that movie would be a rare treat and boy howdy I was not disappointed.

Curse of Bigfoot is…well, it’s sort of hard to say what it’s about because the thing is a mishmash. That’s because really it is an amalgamation of two movies.  Curse began life as Teenagers Battle the Thing in 1958.  Near as I can tell, Teenagers Battle the Thing never saw the light of day until 1978 (or maybe 1972…or 1974; I’ve seen three different release years) when the director  slapped on an extra thirty odd minutes of footage and called it Curse of Bigfoot.

An image of the monster from Curse of Bigfoot

Witness the glorious stupidity of…Bigfoot? Whatever the hell that thing is supposed to be, at any rate.

As you might guess, this Frankenstein of a movie involves teenagers.  But more on that in a second.  This is literally the only monster movie I’ve seen that reveals the titular beastie in the first ten minutes. And holy God is it hilarious!  It’s a guy in a gorilla suit with a paper mache mask made to vaguely resemble The Wolfman.  You can even see the eye holes.  I’m not kidding you one bit.  I have pictures!

The thirty odd minutes of footage added twenty years after the original (boy that’s weird to say) are a bunch of inarticulate nonsense that have little to do with the actual movie.  There’s a scene where a monster that looks suspiciously like the titular Bigfoot stalks a woman.  Mind you, the scene was done in broad daylight but it’s clear from the dialog that it was supposed to take place at night.  This scene though is a clip from a movie being shown in a high school, a class devoted entirely to mythological monsters apparently.  There’s talk about their guest speaker, who is coming to speak to them about Bigfoot, before another long clip that looks like an instructional film about the lumber industry cut with clips of a guy in a bad Bigfoot costume stalking a couple of loggers.  Finally, the speaker appears and tells the story of his encounter with Bigfoot.  In one of the greatest lines of the movie, the guest speaker describes how one of the young ladies with him on this expedition is now nothing more than a catatonic vegetable.

That’s right.  This movie doesn’t get to the ACTUAL movie until half an hour in, but boy is the wait worth it.  We’re treated to the worst acting and special effects this side of Troll 2.  The guest speaker is a former science teacher who, when he and his group encountered Bigfoot, was a part of an archeological dig (for some reason) that consisted of himself, an archeologist, and a gaggle of teenagers.

Another shot of Bigfoot from Curse of Bigfoot

…this is just endlessly hilarious.

The group eventually (I’m fast-forwarding a bit because there is a LOT of scene padding) discovers a mysterious crypt that contains a mummy encased in clay.  Being the wonderful archeologists they were, the group decides to gank the mummy from its resting place and stuff it into a shed, where it is revealed that the clay enclosed a horrify(ingly bad looking) monster!

The monster goes on what has to be the lamest rampage in B-movie history–I think it killed maybe one person and then at the thrilling climax of the film it just sort of stands there and lets the teenagers douse it with gasoline.

…sorry if I spoiled it for you.  As if you can spoil a movie as rotten as this.  Anyway, Curse of Bigfoot has to be seen to be believed.  It hits you like a freight train of awesome-badness.  If you’re like me and you like really, really lame movies you’ll want to do yourself a favor and give this one a look.  You’ll be glad you did.

How about you? Have you ever seen a movie so bad it was nearly a religious experience?  What’s the best/worst movie you’ve ever seen?


The Allure of B-Movies

Poster art from the 1954 B-movie classic, THEM!

I also like the posters from the old days. They’re fun!

Ah…B-movies.  I enjoy cheesy old sci-fi/horror movies from the fifties and sixties, especially the black and white ones.  Those are my favorite types of B-movies, and I think the most iconic of the bunch although the genre is alive and well in the 21st century.  If you want proof, just flip to SyFy on Saturday nights at nine and you’ll see what I mean.

Even so, the B-movies from fifty or sixty years ago are in a league of their own.  They have an innocent charm that modern B-movies often lack.  There was no CGI back in those days, and often these movies were made on a shoestring budget, but the cheesy special effects were part of the fun.  Often B-movies followed a set formula.  Typically they involved an incident of science gone wrong–most often the culprit was radiation of some sort, but it could also be the work of a mad scientist–that resulted in some freakish monster (usually a guy in a rubber suit).  The protagonists turn to conservative forces such as the military and police, or toward science to find the solution to the problem.  I use the word “science” loosely here, because by today’s standards the science they played with was laughable.  Another subset of the genre involved an alien invasion, which would once again be thwarted by conservative forces or by science.

Writers and directors back in the day took the formula I just described above and had all sorts of fun with it.  THEM! is a perfect example of the genre; in fact, it’s often cited as the textbook example of the B-movie genre.  The movie is about ants that become enormous as a result of radioactive fallout from nuclear testing out in Nevada.  These giant ants spread all over the world and establish colonies, and (naturally) it’s up to the U.S. Army and some scientists to clear the matter up.  It sounds silly, but seriously give THEM! a watch sometime when you can–it’s actually a pretty good movie.

Night of the Living Dead is also a B-movie modeled on a formula similar to the one I outlined above, but it’s noticeably darker and really helped to give birth to the modern horror movie (for better or worse).  NOTLD featured ghouls–the word zombie was never used in the movie itself–who were raised from the dead ostensibly by strange radiation from a Venus probe.  These ghouls were shown on film eating people.  And it’s hard to spoil a fifty year old movie, but suffice it to say the ending was NOT in line with the typical B-movie up to that point.  George Romero turned the B-movie formula on its head while simultaneously remaining faithful to the tradition–no small feat, that.  Night of the Living Dead is another example of a B-movie that, when you get beyond the cheap special effects and bad acting, was in the end a pretty good movie (one of my all time favorites, actually).

And that right there is why I like B-movies.  When you get beyond the goofy premises and hokey special effects and look deeply at the movie, they often tell pretty good stories.  They couldn’t rely on special effects like today’s movies–don’t get me wrong though, modern B-movies are great fun but they often rely too heavily on gore and SFX for my taste–so instead they had to attempt to tell a decent story.  That, and the actors actually had to act, while no doubt biting back laughter at the goofy looking dude in the rubber suit.  Granted, many B-movies were lousy in the story and acting departments both, but they at least made up for it with unintentional hilarity (Plan 9 From Outer Space comes to mind).

Zombies from George Romero's B-movie classic, Night of the Living Dead

Zombies. This picture has gotten a lot of mileage on this blog, I’ve noticed =P.

Those aren’t the only reasons I like B-movies.  Sometimes I get tired of the cynicism of our age, an attitude that leaks into our cinematic culture, as it must.  In terms of horror, that translates into nihilistic plots, gore, and copious amounts of sex.  There’s nothing wrong with any of that, but sometimes I get sick of it.  I want to interrupt myself at this point to say that I was brought up in a socially conservative household and live in a conservative area and while I do not subscribe to all of those beliefs now, their influence is still there.  So for me, it is a breath of fresh air to watch an old time movie where the most gore you might see is a bit of chocolate sauce smeared on someone’s shirt, that ends on a note of optimism rather than cynicism (NOTLD is an exception to all of this, of course).

The saying goes that “they don’t make’em like they used to”.  True to some extent.  While horror and movies in general have become objectively better in many ways than their predecessors from the old days, nothing can replace the fun and charm of the old time B-movies.

What are your cinematic guilty pleasures?  Do you like the B monster movies from the fifties and sixties, or do they bore you to tears?


The Zombie Apocalypse: You. Will. Not. Survive.

An image depicting a female zombie from George Romero's seminal zombie movie, "Night of the Living Dead"

Probably a bad day if you see somebody looking like this coming your way.

As I am certain you have noticed, zombies are pretty much everywhere today.  They’ve stumbled from books to movies to television, and now they’re even in commercials.  They’ve gone from B-movie horror fare to a pop culture phenomena.  It is at the point now where you hear the phrase “zombie apocalypse” on nearly a routine basis, and not only from die-hard zombie fans; even average non-rabid fans plan (hopefully only in good fun) what they would do in the event of the zombie uprising.

When I hear people talk so casually about zombies, the question always occurs to me: “Do they realize just how AWFUL that would be?”.  Seriously.  Step back for a moment and think about what you’re saying when you wish the zombies would come.  You’re talking not only about the dead rising from their graves (or people becoming infected with a rabies-like pathogen, or some combination of the above) but you’re talking about death on a massive scale.  The zombie plague as shown by the movies and books would make the Black Death look like an outbreak of chicken pox.  We’re talking a highly virulent, easily spread pathogen with nearly a 100% mortality rate ripping through a global population of about 7 billion people like a wild fire through a forest doused with gasoline.

But it gets worse.  The dead don’t stay dead (obviously since we’re talking zombies) and they come back to feast on the living.  Let’s stop there for a moment; you don’t just get infected, you get cannibalized by your friends, neighbors, and family members.  It would be difficult if not impossible for people (who aren’t sociopaths) to shoot their friends and family members–there’s a reason those sorts of scenes appear often in zombie fiction, because it would probably be true.  That alone would kill more than half the folks who believe they’d go out and be an apocalyptic cowboy, survival plans be damned.

Speaking of, let’s look at survival plans.  All have one fundamental flaw, at least for most folks in Western countries like the US.  Most of us have not truly had to survive, to live off the land.  Most of us do not know what it is to live in constant fear of imminent death.  We laugh and mock the characters in zombie movies for the often objectively stupid things that they do which are inevitably are punished by the cinematic equivalent of karma.  As I often point out when I’m watching these types of shows with people, we viewers are sitting comfortable, warm, and safe so the most logical and sensible course of action seems obvious.  The situation would be quite a bit different if zombies were real as fear makes people do funny things.  Stupid things.  Things that would probably seem pretty laughable to people in less trying circumstances.

But let’s say you manage to survive the initial onslaught of the zombie plague and hole up somewhere safe.  There is one thing that most survival plans likely aren’t going to take into account: co-infections.  When there is a huge outbreak of a disease, its spread leaves huge chunks of the population that aren’t dead with weakened immune systems, which allows other nasty diseases to take a foothold.  The most recent trend in zombie lore has the entire species infected with the zombie pathogen, that only becomes active upon death or contact with a living form of the pathogen.  If that were the case, then the scenario I outlined in the previous sentence would probably be true.  Things like measles, mumps, whooping cough, and the flu would run rampant through survivors, likely killing a good portion of them in the absence of things like public healthcare and ready access to medication.

I could go on, but I won’t belabor the point.  A zombie apocalypse would be bad (ummmkay?) and no matter how badass a person might think they are, the likelihood of survival is really, really slim.  I’ll never forget what one of my biology professors said in reference to pandemic disease: “Someone is going to be immune.  But not you.”  In light of that, I think we ought to count ourselves lucky that plague zombies are nothing more than fantasy.

What’s your take on all of this?  Are you a bit sick of hearing about zombies too?


The Ghost and the Darkness – The Tsavo Man-Eaters

The Tsavo Man-Eaters were a pair of lions that attacked workers constructing the rail bridge pver the Tsavo River for the Uganda/Kenya rail line

The Ghost and The Darkness, on display in the Field Museum of Natural History in Chicago Illinois.

I’ve written a lot about serial killers on this blog.  Serial killers are the predators among humanity.  Amoral, and motivated only by unfathomable urges, they have killed and terrorized likely for as long as there has been civilization.  However, humans are not the only animal capable of senseless killing.  The animal world has its share of killer beasts as well, monsters our ancestors whispered about around camp fires while casting wary eyes toward the impenetrable blackness of the night.

Most often, animals leave humans alone.  If there is an animal attack, often the violence is provoked by a human invading the animal’s territory or otherwise making the animal feel threatened.  However, every now and then I’ve come across stories where the normal rules of human/animal interaction do not apply.  More often than not, if you leave an animal alone, it will leave you alone.  Also, most animals don’t see humans as a food source as we’re not only too small for a big predator but also too dangerous.

Back in 1898, though, all bets were off.  From March through December of that year, monsters stalked in the darkness of the African night.  The British Empire commissioned the Uganda/Kenya railway be built to connect its colonial territories.  The workers used to build the project were primarily Sikhs and Hindus from Britain’s India colony.  Designers planned the railway to cross the Tsavo River, which obviously meant that the workers would need to build a bridge to span the waterway.

A male lion

A typical male lion. Notice the distinct mane, unique among feline species. The Tsavo Man-Eaters lacked manes. Some mane-less males have been reported, although it doesn’t seem to be common.

The best planners in the world couldn’t have foreseen what would happen next.  Panic began to ripple through the work camp when workers began to disappear, dragged screaming into the night by some massive predator, only to be found killed and shredded when the morning sun peeked over the horizon.  Nothing the workers did–from building massive fires to scare the beasts to surrounding their encampments with fences of thorns–kept the attackers at bay.  Fear of The Ghost and The Darkness–the worker’s name for the predators that plagued them–became so widespread that many workers fled.  For all intents and purposes, construction came to a halt.

What were these creatures that inspired such terror among the work crews?  The killers  stalking hapless construction crews were a pair of mane-less male lions.  It is odd, although not unheard of, that a pair of adult male lions would be lack a mane.  And adults they were, at least in terms of size–the first of the pair to be shot was about 10 feet long, which is huge for a lion (or any animal for that matter) and it took 8 men to carry the corpse back to camp.  Their appearance wasn’t the only strange thing about them.  Lions do attack people from time to time, but again only if said people are in their territory. Or alone.  These animals deliberately attacked a large gathering of humans, and some contemporary accounts of the attacks claim that the lions didn’t always eat their victims.  In some cases, it seems, the lions killed simply to kill.

If this sounds like something from a monster movie, well, just wait.  It gets better. Or worse I guess, if you were a Sikh or Hindu rail worker. Not only were The Ghost and The Darkness brutal, they were also cunning.  Lt. Col. John Henry Patterson, leader of the project, set out to kill the animals so that the project could continue as planned.  In true monster movie fashion though, they didn’t go down easy.

Lt. Col. Patterson posing with the first of the Tsavo lions that he shot.

Patterson and the first Tsavo lion. Notice the large size and the lack of a mane.

When Patterson set out to hunt the lions, he soon found himself hunted.  He shot the first lion in the rump, only to have it come back and stalk him that night even as he hunted it.  Patterson had to shoot the thing several more times before he managed to bring it down.  The second lion didn’t go down easy either–Patterson shot it five times, and then even when it was laying their crippled it tried to charge him again.  Three more shots rang out, and the beast was dead.

All told, the death toll from the Ghost and the Darkness’ killing spree was exceptionally high for a series of animal attacks.  Patterson claimed that 135 workers were killed in that 9 month period.  Modern estimates, based on complex measurements of various isotopes taken from the bones of the Tsavo man-killers, put the number at closer to 35.

We may never know just how many lives were lost during the killing spree.  The biggest mystery around this case, too, remains unanswered.  Why did these lions act so contrary to their species’ normal behavior?

Nobody knows.  Various explanations have been set forward.  Some claim that the Hindu practice of cremating their dead left partially burned bodies for the lions to consume, which gave them a taste for human flesh.

The predominate explanation, based upon examination of the lion’s remains, claims that one lion had a severely damaged tooth that kept it from eating its normal prey and forced it to turn to a plentiful, easier to catch alternative which the British Empire kindly provided when it decided to build its railway through the lion’s territory.  There are problems with that explanation as well, as it doesn’t explain why the second animal began to hunt humans.  It also doesn’t explain the unusual size and odd appearance of both animals, and why, if the reports of the behavior are accurate, they would sometimes kill just for the sake of it.

No one knows.  It seems I use those three words a lot on this site, doesn’t it?  We live in an odd world, and while science has helped us to understand a great deal of it, many mysteries and unanswered questions abound.  We may never fully know what made The Ghost and The Darkness commit their killing spree so long ago.


Deer Woman – Masters of Horror

Deer Woman is an episode of Masters of Horror about a Native American folkloric story come to life in a modern American City.  Written by John LandisThe Masters of Horror series is, for lack of a better description, hit or miss.  For those who don’t know, Masters of Horror is a horror anthology series that airs on Showtime (or in my case Netflix) that showcases the works of various horror authors and directors, such as John Carpenter or Dario Argentio.

For purporting to be the works of masters, more often than not the series is pretty lame.  Most of the shows aren’t scary in the least – many have interesting premises but they fail miserably in execution.  Admittedly, I think many times it isn’t so much a failure of writing (although sometimes it is) but it is more of a failure of special effects due to budgetary limitations.

So, when I saw Deer Woman by John Landis come up on my Netflix page I was skeptical.  I skipped over it the first time I saw it, but I was going on a binge of Masters of Horror and decided why not?  And I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised.

Deer Woman is the story of a washed up detective who has been assigned to animal attacks.  When he receives a strange call from a trucker’s lodge, he winds up having a run in with the weird.  The call is in regards to a body that has been mutilated beyond recognition – apparently, the man was trampled to death in the back of his truck.  Things only get odder from there, when more trampled bodies begin to show up and all the evidence points to the impossible – that a deer has trampled them all.

I should point out that deer women are, apparently, real. In a folkloric sense, at any rate.  Native Americans do tell stories of forest creatures, half woman, half deer, who lure men into the forest with promises of pleasure before stomping them to death using their hooves and inhuman strength.  They are a New World take on an Old World demon – the Succubus.

Deer Woman takes this ancient creature of legend and plops it into the middle of a modern American city.  It’s a goofy premise, but the filmmakers seemed to be aware of that.  This is not a serious movie, and unlike many horror-comedy entries into the Masters of Horror series it manages to pull off its comedic intent quite well.  My favorite part is the sequence when the detective tries to find a logical explanation for the truck stop murder.  It’s hilarious!

Don’t get me wrong.  Deer Woman isn’t a great movie.  But it is funny, and it doesn’t try to be something that it’s not.  All in all, it’s a solid, if bizarre, entry into the Masters of Horror series.


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